Day Four

I'm trying to decide if Riot Grrrl makes me feel self empowered or just really queer.

Day three

Today I made myself sit and work for four hours in a row without distraction. I evidently have the ability to work hard, so there's that.

Day Two

Today I feel empowered because I went out and mingled. I really like the people in my class, but I don't always feel as close with them as they seem with each other so sometimes I feel awkward about going out. It was a lot of fun, though, so I'm glad I did it.

Day One

I like to start with definitions.

FIRST RESULT FOUND WHEN GOOGLING "DEFINE EMPOWERMENT"

Now woah, woah, woah Google. Pump the breaks. This is an awful way to define something. Using a quote (which by the way, who came down to THIS very quote to be Google's "go to" response to "define empowerment") that refers to a "we," who is definitely not you (the Google people) and is probably not even the Wiki people you refer to. I digress. Point being, wtf Google? I'm asking Webster.

"EMPOWERMENT" AS DEFINED BY THE MERIUM-WEBSTER ONLINE DICTIONARY AND THESAURUS: 

So both the third numbered definition and the first example are about women. Not sure I want to open that can of worms tonight. 

I'm going to focus on that third definition.

Anyway, Katie, what the hell are you going on about? Point is I am going to do 100 days of self-empowerment. I know that there are layers to empowerment since power is given from many places outside of ourselves, and that distribution is unbalanced in a lot of ways. But this is about me. So short and long of it is:

Today I feel empowered because I awkwardly raised my hand in class for a long time even though I wasn't getting called on. I had something good to say so I kept my hand up even though I was feeling awkward and didn't get called on. (This wasn't in the middle of a lecture, it was during a discussion-- so I wasn't being TOO crazy, though more zealous than normal.)Anyway I guess the awkwardness comes from trying to get attention and being publicly overlooked. Kinda the same as if you are rejected infront of a crowd of people. But for me, I am not feeling awkward about it because I had something good to say, damn it, and I had my hand raised. 

So there is day 1. 

#100DaysOfSelfEmpowerment

#ILoveLongHashtags

On Dates and Existential Crises

The other night I went on a date. It was a nice date, the guy was great. We were getting drinks at a local bar and just doing the standard somewhat awkward tell-me-about-yourself conversations. "Awkward first dates" can be another topic on its own, but to get to the point- I was flirting. We're there, he was acting a little silly and I just giggle and say "You're weird. I like it." Weird, to me, is good. Its comfortable. Its an indication that someone may be cut from the same cloth as so many crazy, awesome, weird people that I know. Granted, we all have our limits, but he was cute. All of a sudden, however, he responded. "You're normal, I don't know how I feel about that."

...

...........

*BEGIN MID-DATE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS PANIC ATTACK*

Did he really just call me normal? Why do I take that as a bad thing? I know I am a girl with sparkles bleeding from my pores and oddities spilling out of my mouth. Normal? How am I acting that he can't see who I am?

I let it go, and the rest of the date happened. It went medium, I think. I acted relatively neurotic at times (I've been letting my life problems manifest themselves in some not so productive ways recently).  He is a nice guy so in the end I think it was ok. 

Point of the story is, he called me normal. That grey, medium, it is what it is word. And, I think that he is right. Lately I feel grey. I typically consider myself carefree, creative and fun, but lately I am just normal. 

There are a lot of reasons for this, I am sure. Things have been spiraling pretty out of control lately. I allow myself to act crazy (in some bad ways) and not like myself, as if my being were as out of control as the life I exist in is. I then look for advice, but it restrains me and makes me feel stifled. 

Well, I am stifled. Not by them, but by myself. I should not be asking anyone for advice on how to be myself or on how to handle myself. I should be holding on to the reigns. I want to let myself be weird and happy again. I think that a lot of this has to do with the fact, also, that I really haven't built myself a support group of like minded people. The friends I have here are lovely, and so kind and smart. But I am still looking for a place where I can just be myself. 

I am going to work on this tomorrow. Or this week. Or all of the time, I guess.

Or maybe I am just normal? I hope not. 

Resolution

This is the year I act as strong as I am. Happy New Year, Blog World!