On Dates and Existential Crises

The other night I went on a date. It was a nice date, the guy was great. We were getting drinks at a local bar and just doing the standard somewhat awkward tell-me-about-yourself conversations. "Awkward first dates" can be another topic on its own, but to get to the point- I was flirting. We're there, he was acting a little silly and I just giggle and say "You're weird. I like it." Weird, to me, is good. Its comfortable. Its an indication that someone may be cut from the same cloth as so many crazy, awesome, weird people that I know. Granted, we all have our limits, but he was cute. All of a sudden, however, he responded. "You're normal, I don't know how I feel about that."

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*BEGIN MID-DATE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS PANIC ATTACK*

Did he really just call me normal? Why do I take that as a bad thing? I know I am a girl with sparkles bleeding from my pores and oddities spilling out of my mouth. Normal? How am I acting that he can't see who I am?

I let it go, and the rest of the date happened. It went medium, I think. I acted relatively neurotic at times (I've been letting my life problems manifest themselves in some not so productive ways recently).  He is a nice guy so in the end I think it was ok. 

Point of the story is, he called me normal. That grey, medium, it is what it is word. And, I think that he is right. Lately I feel grey. I typically consider myself carefree, creative and fun, but lately I am just normal. 

There are a lot of reasons for this, I am sure. Things have been spiraling pretty out of control lately. I allow myself to act crazy (in some bad ways) and not like myself, as if my being were as out of control as the life I exist in is. I then look for advice, but it restrains me and makes me feel stifled. 

Well, I am stifled. Not by them, but by myself. I should not be asking anyone for advice on how to be myself or on how to handle myself. I should be holding on to the reigns. I want to let myself be weird and happy again. I think that a lot of this has to do with the fact, also, that I really haven't built myself a support group of like minded people. The friends I have here are lovely, and so kind and smart. But I am still looking for a place where I can just be myself. 

I am going to work on this tomorrow. Or this week. Or all of the time, I guess.

Or maybe I am just normal? I hope not.